WE ARE DIRTY LITTLE PEOPLE
I think we’re dirty. We must be. We need a lot of soap.
I realized this when I ran out of hand soap the other day and had to think twice about whether it would be ok if I used a little of my dish soap, just until I made it to the store. I must be a dirty girl, but you must be very dirty too.
We have soap for our dirty little clothes and special soap for our delicates and unmentionables.
We have soap for our dirty little houses, a separate one for handwashing our dishes (but not our hands), but not to be confused with the soap for the dishwasher, another for our countertops, another for our floors and our windows, and also our cars.
We have soap for our dirty little human bodies, but each part seems to need its very own individual soap. And we never use human soap on our pets. They have their own. And big human soaps are very different from little baby soaps. Men need the deodorant kind and women need the gentle kind to be sparkling clean and fresh in their own biological ways. Babies have their own extra-special soap.
There are innumerable shampoo soaps for our dingy, dry or oily hair, bath and body washes, some that takes us away from it all and I’m guessing somewhere that isn’t so dirty.
And there are foot cleansers, hand soaps, and private parts soap, but God forbid we use our dish soap for our hands or our faces. That it just wouldn’t be right and it’s against the rules.
Let’s not forget our grimy little faces, but we have to make sure that we use an anti-aging or acne, dry, oily, or combination skin soap for our unique physiognomy. No mistakes allowed. And absolutely no face soap to take off our eye makeup, girls. There is another cleanser for that. These are the rules. No exceptions.
And if we are really, really dull and need a good scrub, there are exfoliating soaps. If we take off too much skin, there are moisturizing soaps to make it all better.
If we need disinfecting, there are antibacterial soaps and soaps that don’t even need water so we can get clean on the run. And there are lots of mouthwashes for our dirty little mouths. Some that put enamel back on our teeth, some that make our teeth whiter and kill every germ imaginable to man, and even some that guarantee that we’ll be making out with that cute neighbor that we’ve imagined naked in his shower, soaping up his armpits. There are soaps for every orifice.
So after we’ve been sudsed and sanitized, scoured and swabbed, drenched and douched, scrubbed and abraded, maybe it’s time to ask ourselves, can soaps really be that different or do we need some liquid absolution for our stained and soiled little lives? Praise heaven, I’ve been purified by Palmolive!
Our brains don’t seem to need washing though. Obviously that’s already been done. Disagree? Lather, rinse, repeat. If you are already clean, why do it again? To use (and sell) more soap, silly. God forbid we ask for a one-stop soap, which reminds me of a photo I have of myself on a camping trip years ago. There was only an outhouse at the camp site. We bathed off the end of a boat and used one biodegradable soap for everything. I love that photo and I don’t think I have ever looked better. I was happy and natural, but was I clean enough?
The soap Nazi is watching us and he knows our dirty little secrets. Only he knows how dirty we really are.
I realized this when I ran out of hand soap the other day and had to think twice about whether it would be ok if I used a little of my dish soap, just until I made it to the store. I must be a dirty girl, but you must be very dirty too.
We have soap for our dirty little clothes and special soap for our delicates and unmentionables.
We have soap for our dirty little houses, a separate one for handwashing our dishes (but not our hands), but not to be confused with the soap for the dishwasher, another for our countertops, another for our floors and our windows, and also our cars.
We have soap for our dirty little human bodies, but each part seems to need its very own individual soap. And we never use human soap on our pets. They have their own. And big human soaps are very different from little baby soaps. Men need the deodorant kind and women need the gentle kind to be sparkling clean and fresh in their own biological ways. Babies have their own extra-special soap.
There are innumerable shampoo soaps for our dingy, dry or oily hair, bath and body washes, some that takes us away from it all and I’m guessing somewhere that isn’t so dirty.
And there are foot cleansers, hand soaps, and private parts soap, but God forbid we use our dish soap for our hands or our faces. That it just wouldn’t be right and it’s against the rules.
Let’s not forget our grimy little faces, but we have to make sure that we use an anti-aging or acne, dry, oily, or combination skin soap for our unique physiognomy. No mistakes allowed. And absolutely no face soap to take off our eye makeup, girls. There is another cleanser for that. These are the rules. No exceptions.
And if we are really, really dull and need a good scrub, there are exfoliating soaps. If we take off too much skin, there are moisturizing soaps to make it all better.
If we need disinfecting, there are antibacterial soaps and soaps that don’t even need water so we can get clean on the run. And there are lots of mouthwashes for our dirty little mouths. Some that put enamel back on our teeth, some that make our teeth whiter and kill every germ imaginable to man, and even some that guarantee that we’ll be making out with that cute neighbor that we’ve imagined naked in his shower, soaping up his armpits. There are soaps for every orifice.
So after we’ve been sudsed and sanitized, scoured and swabbed, drenched and douched, scrubbed and abraded, maybe it’s time to ask ourselves, can soaps really be that different or do we need some liquid absolution for our stained and soiled little lives? Praise heaven, I’ve been purified by Palmolive!
Our brains don’t seem to need washing though. Obviously that’s already been done. Disagree? Lather, rinse, repeat. If you are already clean, why do it again? To use (and sell) more soap, silly. God forbid we ask for a one-stop soap, which reminds me of a photo I have of myself on a camping trip years ago. There was only an outhouse at the camp site. We bathed off the end of a boat and used one biodegradable soap for everything. I love that photo and I don’t think I have ever looked better. I was happy and natural, but was I clean enough?
The soap Nazi is watching us and he knows our dirty little secrets. Only he knows how dirty we really are.
Comments
Post a Comment